My husband and I have been married for 5 years. We have been having some problems and he left me 4 months ago. He has his own place now. For the past month and a half he has been expressing that he does not want a divorce but he can't just jump back at home like nothing happened. He would spend one or two nights by me during the week and the other nights he would spend away. He won't call to say good night or anything. I started feeling bad about him coming around because he would come and have sex and then leave. We have 2 daughters and I'm pregnant. He always has an excuse for why he can't come home. I'm tired of feeling used... so I told him to leave me alone. But he can't really...because we have kids together. I don't know how to move on from here or where I should start. Of course I still love him but I don't know when/if things will ever change and if he will come home. I'm not ready for a divorce, so how can I let him know I mean business and how do I move on from here? I've been ignoring his calls but I'm not sure if that is the right thing to do. I'm desperate... please help.
Tired of my life the way it is
It's tough to make decisions when you're right in the midst of it. Details over get in our way. So let's first take a step back and put it into simplified terms... You're in a dysfunctional relationship that you both keep coming back to, but don't really respect. He wants to have his cake and eat it too and you can't stand the heat in the kitchen. You're making decisions based on the kids more than you are on yourselves. Close enough? Well, first off, if you want to put the kid's interests ahead of the rest; think about what they're learning from you. No matter what we say, they learn by what we do. Having daddy home sometimes and gone most times is very confusing. Sure they want to know that mommy and daddy are getting along, but they really want to know "do you love me?" They take absence very personally. If you want them to learn about right relations, then you'll need to live a rightful life.
Set ground rules
Sounds like you have rules that you break a lot. That means you have no rules. If he can't come around, then he can't come around. He can see the kids, but not stay. Remember, if you want him to stay he probably will... just before he disappears again. Don't want that? Then set your own rules and stick to them.
Define your perfect life
If you can't picture it, you end up settling for what you get.
Go get a life
Wishing it won't help as much as actively seeking it out. If you leave a void where your life used to be, you stay open to being taken advantage of. By filling it up with the life you want, there won't be room left over for the bad stuff. Remember, just like you shouldn't go shopping when you're hungry; don't go looking for love when you're lonely. Look for the right qualities in a partner... someone who will love and RESPECT you. That's one thing you're really missing right now and can use it more than anything.
And that starts by respecting yourself
Right now you don't. You let other people run it. Take control. It's your life... and you deserve a beautiful one. Dream it... define it... do it. That's it in a nutshell. Hope it goes well for you. Let me know if I can share this on my site. If not, please just get back to me somewhere along your path to let me know how it goes.
Keep the light on!