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Dear Gurustu - Torn
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Dear Guru Stu,

I'm in a big dilemma; I had an affair with a married man while he was separated. Now he wants to get back together with his wife. He wants to call it off between us, and I don't want to. I have as much to lose as he does, since I'm also married. I don't want to ruin his chances with his wife, but I don't want to lose him either.

I'm so torn up over this; I don't know what to do.


Dear Torn:

It is quite a dilemma you find yourself in. It's very easy to get jumbled up because you have the emotions of four people involved here and not just two.

I don't know all the details of your relations or his, so I won't judge you on that. What advice I can give you though is to deal with each relationship INDIVIDUALLY. Breaking it into separate pieces will help you get a better understanding of the whole picture.

The relationship between he and his wife seem to be on the mends. He has stated his desire to be with her more than anyone else. It's very important to note his decision, even if you don't like it.

Your relationship with him seems to be over. Maybe it will change in the future; maybe it won't… but for NOW, it is over. As such, you will be in mourning. All the feelings of anger, hurt, loss, sadness… they'll all be there. Treat your relationship with him as the same as if you were both single and he simply wanted to move on. It hurts, it might seem unfair; but the relationship needs two people's commitment, and he's not one of them.

Finally, the relationship with your husband. Despite your feelings for the affair guy, what are your feelings for your HUSBAND. Again, thinking about it individually… do you want to be with your husband… for who he is; and what you and he share. If not, then deal with that on its own terms. Don't let your feelings for someone else project the wrong feelings upon the man you "committed to."

If you can afford to go to a counselor, I would highly recommend it. Whether or not you "come clean" and work out your affair with your husband; or keep it to yourself, again is not for me to say. However, it'd be real wise to talk it over with someone else. Grieving alone could only make things worse for you. You'll have to get THROUGH it, if you want to see the other side. A counselor is bound to secrecy, should you choose to keep it secret.

I wish you a lot of luck. The choices you made in the past have caused you quite a bit of anguish. When you emerge from the other side of the dark tunnel; I recommend looking back and learning, so that you can look forward and make more rewarding choices in the future.


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